Dormant Struggles

The title describes it all, really. I've been dormant for awhile. And for once, I'm ok with that. And I'm not going to apologize for it. Because I've been struggling lately. I have something on my heart that I'm not quite ready to talk about yet. Something that is precious and painful all at the same time.

Thankfully I have a great husband who supports me and is trying to understand my feelings. He just wants me happy. And wants us happy. As a family.

Because even though it's a small one, that's what we are. A family. Thank you all for bearing with me and please keep me in your prayers. Perhaps I'll share my struggle soon, perhaps not. Thanks for loving me anyway.

Grandparents

So my paternal Pappaw died almost 2 years ago. He had a weak heart compounded by age. My husband was deployed. He left behind my Mammaw. There aren't enough hours in the day to tell you what an amazing person my Mammaw is. She got married young, quit work, had 5 babies in a 2 bedroom/1 bath house (which they converted the dining room for a 3rd br), and raised that family on limited funds. Oh, did I mention 4 of those kids were boys?

She dealt with things like my dad stabbing out his eye when he was 5, the boys feeding my aunt dog food, fights, marriages, divorces, remarriages, grandkids, and even great-grandkids. She and my Pappaw. It was always the two of them. I won't gloss over my Pappaw. He had problems. Things I take issue with, but he is gone and I am not here to speak ill of the dead. I guess he thought he did his best. I just choose to disagree. But if there is one thing he definitely did right, it is love my Mammaw.

And if there is one thing never in question about my Mammaw, it's that she loves her family. She would give anything and everything, and has on some occasions, for those that she loves. She is from a different time, of course. She didn't usually speak unless spoken to, she didn't drive, she didn't curse or talk about private things like bras. haha. She used a soft word to turn away wrath, that's for sure.

You're probably thinking right now, wow, she talks as if her Grandmother is dead. No, this isn't the case, she is just different. Why? Alzheimer's. It has stolen that wonderful personality. She is still sweet, loving, and kind, but now she doesn't understand. She can't reason or remember. She gets confused and distraught. And it's pretty painful to watch. Unfortunately, even though my Pappaw was physically declining, he was still very sharp. They complemented each other. But when he passed, she couldn't function. My dad said he thinks the Alzheimer's is maybe a small gift from God because she loved my Pappaw so completely that she would be sick with grief if she could remember and understand that he was gone. She remembers him, but she can't reason the fact that he is dead.

We moved her into an assisted living facility last weekend. It was the hardest thing ever, but it was time. She was either going to burn down her house, get robbed, or just walk out the front door one day. So far she is not happy, but not miserable. In a few weeks, she won't remember not being there. And as sad as that is, it's a small blessing in disguise.

Mammaw and Pappaw on their Wedding Day. <3

Sunshine

So I promise I'm trying to get out of this funk. I think Tyler was just the last of painful losses I've felt recently. I feel like so many people I grew up with, or went to school with, or cared for have died. I feel like it's an epidemic that's worse than other people. I look at my sister's friends, acquaintances, etc. and I see them living. I can't even count on one hand the people I've lost. Be it that they were close or just known to me.

But I digress. That wasn't the purpose of this post. I'm actually trying to blog about something else. Because I'm not going to just exist either, I'm going to live.

My darling husband is still loving his job. Which I'm so thankful for. I miss him everyday, I swear we got to talk more when he was deployed, but that's ok. It just makes our time together so much more precious. I spent some time today think about our deployments. The leaving, the returning, the fear while he was gone, the relief when he was home. And somewhere I realized that this is now my daily struggle. Rather than leaving once for 7 months, he leaves everyday. And everyday I feel that twinge of fear. He comes in late and climbs in bed with me and I feel that relief.

I kiss him goodbye every morning in case that is the last. But I can't dwell on that, I won't dwell on that. I choose not to. Because I'm so darn proud of the person he is, I love the person he CHOOSES to be. And I know that just like in the Marine Corps, he will do everything he can to come home to me, but during the shift he will put me from his mind so that he can be the best he can be.

Amazing how my life has come full circle. I'm learning each day, because me and the hubs? We're boots all over again. :) And we like it this way. Everyday is brand new. Who can complain??

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I'm Coming Home

"Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday"

I learned something new about my friend today. Back in 2010, when he last came to Tennessee, he took his motorcycle, yes THE motorcycle back to Washington with him. Which means he drove/rode/etc. across the country to get back. He saw his mom, his dad, his brother, sister-in-law, niece, and countless friends. Needless to say I was living in Hawaii, but he saw lots of people important to him.

I've never been so grateful as I was for this realization. Because this means that even in his young 24 years, he saw some of the world. Through 3 deployments he saw other countries and met other peoples. Through the other advantages of the Army he made friends he otherwise never would have, and as a result, he got to travel the country in one amazing ride. Something I'd love to do myself.

It helps with the feelings that he was cheated in life. Because in his 24 years he didn't just exist. He lived.

Untitled

Amazing how much things can hurt long after they are gone....

At a loss

I wish I knew where to start.

I guess the beginning is the best place. My freshman year of college, I had this boyfriend. He was a tall redhead majoring in Engineering. We had a group of friends that all hung out every day. I won't lie, we were pretty nerdy. Either way, This boy and I started dating. And it was a whirlwind. We spent every minute together. And we fought. Like cats and dogs. But it was so much fun. We had so much fun together.

When finals rolled around, we stayed up all night watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD and "studying". One night, I was so hungry, and it was like 3 in the morning so everything was closed, but we loaded up in his car and he took us to Kroger. He was going to introduce me to a new snack he told me. And he demanded "Buddig" brand ham. I had never heard of it. I thought he was crazy. So while laughing I asked a worker for this crazy meat. And he said, ''yeah we have that''. lol. So here was the snack. Dill pickle spears, wrapped in cream cheese, wrapped in ham. It was soooo good.

We were always doing things like that. Stupid, random, things. Things that were so much fun.

We broke up for who knows what reason. We were barely 19 and had better things to do I suppose. A little later that year he decided he didn't want to continue college. He was bound for the Army. That's where he's been ever since. Some people are bound for different things, the Army and Tyler were made for each other. Other than the occasional chat, I've not seen or talked to Tyler since he left all those years ago. But one thing I remember about him, partially because we fought about it so much, was his love for his darn motorcycle. He wrecked and rebuilt and rebought. Always on a stupid motorcycle.

Tyler was in a head on collision on Saturday in Washington, where he lived. He was pronounced dead on the scene. Due to his high rate of speed (over 100mph) I believe he went pretty instantly. I guess the best way to go is doing something you love. And he loved those motorcycles.

This is Tyler. He's the one with the taco. haha.

(By the way, that's me and my nerdy friends)

Rest in Peace, Dear Friend. Keep an eye out for us and we'll see you again one day.

Struggles

Life can be such a challenge sometimes. Brandon and I are trying to get used to the new situation we are in, new jobs, new schedules, etc. It's not easy to tell you the truth. We barely see each other due to my day shift schedule and his evening or overnight shifts. And when we do we're so exhausted all the time.

But we're happy. B loves his job and I'm so proud of him. We're shopping for a rental while we build a house. We're finally feeling a little settled. But one thing is missing. One thing I ache for.

A baby.

I know it isn't the right time yet. I know we're too busy and our jobs are too new. I know we haven't got the house built yet and I still haven't picked a car yet. (I know, I know, but I'm picky). But I just feel like this little person is waiting for us. And I don't want to disappoint him or her.

Plus knowing we will struggle for that little one makes me so much more impatient.

It just makes my heart sore sometimes to keep waiting. Because I know we're ready. And waiting for our circumstances to be ready is not fun.