Dormant Struggles

The title describes it all, really. I've been dormant for awhile. And for once, I'm ok with that. And I'm not going to apologize for it. Because I've been struggling lately. I have something on my heart that I'm not quite ready to talk about yet. Something that is precious and painful all at the same time.

Thankfully I have a great husband who supports me and is trying to understand my feelings. He just wants me happy. And wants us happy. As a family.

Because even though it's a small one, that's what we are. A family. Thank you all for bearing with me and please keep me in your prayers. Perhaps I'll share my struggle soon, perhaps not. Thanks for loving me anyway.

Grandparents

So my paternal Pappaw died almost 2 years ago. He had a weak heart compounded by age. My husband was deployed. He left behind my Mammaw. There aren't enough hours in the day to tell you what an amazing person my Mammaw is. She got married young, quit work, had 5 babies in a 2 bedroom/1 bath house (which they converted the dining room for a 3rd br), and raised that family on limited funds. Oh, did I mention 4 of those kids were boys?

She dealt with things like my dad stabbing out his eye when he was 5, the boys feeding my aunt dog food, fights, marriages, divorces, remarriages, grandkids, and even great-grandkids. She and my Pappaw. It was always the two of them. I won't gloss over my Pappaw. He had problems. Things I take issue with, but he is gone and I am not here to speak ill of the dead. I guess he thought he did his best. I just choose to disagree. But if there is one thing he definitely did right, it is love my Mammaw.

And if there is one thing never in question about my Mammaw, it's that she loves her family. She would give anything and everything, and has on some occasions, for those that she loves. She is from a different time, of course. She didn't usually speak unless spoken to, she didn't drive, she didn't curse or talk about private things like bras. haha. She used a soft word to turn away wrath, that's for sure.

You're probably thinking right now, wow, she talks as if her Grandmother is dead. No, this isn't the case, she is just different. Why? Alzheimer's. It has stolen that wonderful personality. She is still sweet, loving, and kind, but now she doesn't understand. She can't reason or remember. She gets confused and distraught. And it's pretty painful to watch. Unfortunately, even though my Pappaw was physically declining, he was still very sharp. They complemented each other. But when he passed, she couldn't function. My dad said he thinks the Alzheimer's is maybe a small gift from God because she loved my Pappaw so completely that she would be sick with grief if she could remember and understand that he was gone. She remembers him, but she can't reason the fact that he is dead.

We moved her into an assisted living facility last weekend. It was the hardest thing ever, but it was time. She was either going to burn down her house, get robbed, or just walk out the front door one day. So far she is not happy, but not miserable. In a few weeks, she won't remember not being there. And as sad as that is, it's a small blessing in disguise.

Mammaw and Pappaw on their Wedding Day. <3

Sunshine

So I promise I'm trying to get out of this funk. I think Tyler was just the last of painful losses I've felt recently. I feel like so many people I grew up with, or went to school with, or cared for have died. I feel like it's an epidemic that's worse than other people. I look at my sister's friends, acquaintances, etc. and I see them living. I can't even count on one hand the people I've lost. Be it that they were close or just known to me.

But I digress. That wasn't the purpose of this post. I'm actually trying to blog about something else. Because I'm not going to just exist either, I'm going to live.

My darling husband is still loving his job. Which I'm so thankful for. I miss him everyday, I swear we got to talk more when he was deployed, but that's ok. It just makes our time together so much more precious. I spent some time today think about our deployments. The leaving, the returning, the fear while he was gone, the relief when he was home. And somewhere I realized that this is now my daily struggle. Rather than leaving once for 7 months, he leaves everyday. And everyday I feel that twinge of fear. He comes in late and climbs in bed with me and I feel that relief.

I kiss him goodbye every morning in case that is the last. But I can't dwell on that, I won't dwell on that. I choose not to. Because I'm so darn proud of the person he is, I love the person he CHOOSES to be. And I know that just like in the Marine Corps, he will do everything he can to come home to me, but during the shift he will put me from his mind so that he can be the best he can be.

Amazing how my life has come full circle. I'm learning each day, because me and the hubs? We're boots all over again. :) And we like it this way. Everyday is brand new. Who can complain??

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I'm Coming Home

"Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday"

I learned something new about my friend today. Back in 2010, when he last came to Tennessee, he took his motorcycle, yes THE motorcycle back to Washington with him. Which means he drove/rode/etc. across the country to get back. He saw his mom, his dad, his brother, sister-in-law, niece, and countless friends. Needless to say I was living in Hawaii, but he saw lots of people important to him.

I've never been so grateful as I was for this realization. Because this means that even in his young 24 years, he saw some of the world. Through 3 deployments he saw other countries and met other peoples. Through the other advantages of the Army he made friends he otherwise never would have, and as a result, he got to travel the country in one amazing ride. Something I'd love to do myself.

It helps with the feelings that he was cheated in life. Because in his 24 years he didn't just exist. He lived.

Untitled

Amazing how much things can hurt long after they are gone....

At a loss

I wish I knew where to start.

I guess the beginning is the best place. My freshman year of college, I had this boyfriend. He was a tall redhead majoring in Engineering. We had a group of friends that all hung out every day. I won't lie, we were pretty nerdy. Either way, This boy and I started dating. And it was a whirlwind. We spent every minute together. And we fought. Like cats and dogs. But it was so much fun. We had so much fun together.

When finals rolled around, we stayed up all night watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD and "studying". One night, I was so hungry, and it was like 3 in the morning so everything was closed, but we loaded up in his car and he took us to Kroger. He was going to introduce me to a new snack he told me. And he demanded "Buddig" brand ham. I had never heard of it. I thought he was crazy. So while laughing I asked a worker for this crazy meat. And he said, ''yeah we have that''. lol. So here was the snack. Dill pickle spears, wrapped in cream cheese, wrapped in ham. It was soooo good.

We were always doing things like that. Stupid, random, things. Things that were so much fun.

We broke up for who knows what reason. We were barely 19 and had better things to do I suppose. A little later that year he decided he didn't want to continue college. He was bound for the Army. That's where he's been ever since. Some people are bound for different things, the Army and Tyler were made for each other. Other than the occasional chat, I've not seen or talked to Tyler since he left all those years ago. But one thing I remember about him, partially because we fought about it so much, was his love for his darn motorcycle. He wrecked and rebuilt and rebought. Always on a stupid motorcycle.

Tyler was in a head on collision on Saturday in Washington, where he lived. He was pronounced dead on the scene. Due to his high rate of speed (over 100mph) I believe he went pretty instantly. I guess the best way to go is doing something you love. And he loved those motorcycles.

This is Tyler. He's the one with the taco. haha.

(By the way, that's me and my nerdy friends)

Rest in Peace, Dear Friend. Keep an eye out for us and we'll see you again one day.

Struggles

Life can be such a challenge sometimes. Brandon and I are trying to get used to the new situation we are in, new jobs, new schedules, etc. It's not easy to tell you the truth. We barely see each other due to my day shift schedule and his evening or overnight shifts. And when we do we're so exhausted all the time.

But we're happy. B loves his job and I'm so proud of him. We're shopping for a rental while we build a house. We're finally feeling a little settled. But one thing is missing. One thing I ache for.

A baby.

I know it isn't the right time yet. I know we're too busy and our jobs are too new. I know we haven't got the house built yet and I still haven't picked a car yet. (I know, I know, but I'm picky). But I just feel like this little person is waiting for us. And I don't want to disappoint him or her.

Plus knowing we will struggle for that little one makes me so much more impatient.

It just makes my heart sore sometimes to keep waiting. Because I know we're ready. And waiting for our circumstances to be ready is not fun.

Do you ever just get worn down? Just so overwhelmed that you don't know how to manage? Lately I've been feeling so confused and depressed. Like there is no end in sight for some things.

I imagine that is how quick sand is. You feel like every inch you gain is an accomplishment but in reality every inch you gain is just a fraction of the foot you are sinking.

Ugh. I think I need a vacation. Or a break. Or a maid.

Where can I pick up those things for free?

I'm a bad blogger this month.

Sad but true fact.

But I have a really really good reason. I've been WORKING. :) Granted it's only a temporary job, but hey, it's bringing in some much need cash. BIG SMILES!!

In other news, The hubs is OFFICIAL! My handsome man in camo is now a handsome man in blue. (Personally I think it's black, but it's like the Marine Corps Dress Blue jaket, it's the point that counts) Technically he's still a man in camo, too, but that one's taking a backseat.

He has already started his ride alongs, has his duty belt, and will be sworn in next week!! I'm so proud I could BURST! I really do have the greatest husband in the WHOLE WORLD!

(Aren't you enjoying my excitement??)

In other news, Very important news, it's my darling wifey's 24th birthday. Alas, I can't spend it with her which sucks, and her birthday present hasn't even made it to the Post Office yet so it'll be late, but she knows I love her and miss her and will be seeing her SOON!

Happy Birthday Kinnel I hope it is wonderful!!

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Chick-fil-a

There I stood. In the longest lunch line known to man at Chick-fil-a. It's finally my turn, and I place my order with the young woman behind the counter.

"That'll be $6.01" she says.

I give her my plastic card and she asks for my id.

Instinctively I give her my military id. It is on top after all.

"Oh, I miss mine." She smiles.
"I'm sorry?"
"I lost my military id"
"They can make you another one at the reserve base I think."
"Not since the cheating b@st@rd left me....
Oh, here's your order, have a wonderful day."

...

"Yeah, you too."

BloggyLand Bliss

It's an unfortunately fact of life that we as bloggers like to write about things that are going well in our lives. We love to talk about how much we love our hunnys and how great our friends are and how much our wardrobe and world rocks. But when it comes to the rough parts, the really tough parts, we want to keep those to ourselves. Not because they aren't interesting, in fact they are actually probably more interesting to our readers than the good times.

But rather because we don't like to show vulnerability. 

We don't want the world to know when things are less than perfect. But here's the reality. Things aren't perfect. And neither are we. Life happens, people happen, arguments happen, it all happens. 

So I guess this is me telling you that not everything is great in my world right now. I love my husband and my family and my friends, but things are just kinda rough lately. And I'm not afraid to tell it.

Or maybe I am since I didn't elaborate on my actual problems and rather spoke in the abstract...

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Blank

I just don't have anything to write about right now. Like seriously nothing.

Maybe another time.

Facebook stalkers

Sometimes I just blank. I sit in front of the screen and go completely empty. And I thought tonight was going to be one if those nights. Til I got on facebook. We're all guilty of it. Secretly getting on crackbook at all hours of the day or night.

I'm an avid follower. You'd never know it because I don't update my status a lot or change my profile picture or upload snapshots. That's because there are two kind of facebookers. Those who change their stuff a lot, we'll call those people strutters because they like to strut their stuff and then there is the other category. The one I fit in. The stalkers. We'repretty self explanatory. We creep the cyber world but never reveal much of or own lives. Why? You ask? Simple.

Because we're boring.

We don't have interesting divorces or baby mamas to read about. We don't have crazy cousins (that are on facebook) or drug addicted siblings to post about. And as great as it is to not have those things, secretly we're a little jealous. Cause you, with your super interesting life will get 25 comments and will be at the top of my newsfeed even if I don't click "most recent". I however wil be halfway down the page without even a "like". And we all know our self-worth is based on facebook popularity.

How's that for irony?

MilSpouse Roundup 25

It's FRIDAY! Yay. Hop on over to Consider the Lilies and join in on the fun!!

Award from my Wifey.

So my beautiful Wifey over at 365 Days and Counting gave me a sweet award. The last time I got one of these I was bad and didn't actually post about it or pass it on or anything. But because Kindle is wonderful, I will play along. Thank you Kinnel for your love. :)



Now for those 5 lovely ladies.....
1) I will give it back to Kindle because she is beautiful and I love her and she doesn't always get the recognition the rest of us get because of her "situation". hmph2)Maresa because she has helped keep me sane when the hubby was here, gone, or just here but gone in mind/spirit. 3)TheBlogtessa because she will always be honest and open and never fails to speak her mind. I respect her and I respect the fact that we can disagree on opinions but still appreciate and respect each other. 4)Amy because she is such a strong individual. She has had a lot of bumps in the road and never lets it get her down.5)Ines is such a fun blogger. I love to read her blog. If I only have time to read one or two blogs I can guarantee she is one of them.
 So there you have it ladies. ENJOY!!

Supercat

My cat walks through walls. What does yours do?

An Ugly Spouse... by the Blogtessa

I've been an active "participant" in this argument debate that has been brewing on another site, and the Blogtessa has stood her ground. I completely agree with her and I find it sad that this is the way it has become.

I'm sad to say I had already been thinking about drifting away from the MilSpouse community to a small degree because it is such a petri dish of bad behavior. I think this has been the nail in the coffin for me. No worries, I will still love you all and support you all, I just think I need to branch out a little and find what else is out there. Please go read what The Blogtessa has to say.

The point I want to make is this. You may think you have it worse because your husband deploys, but let me tell you. My husband has deployed multiple times and during those deployments, I've watched other people's marriages fall apart. I watched them complain and I felt sorry for them. I spent my time thinking how much worse they had it than me. My husband might have been deployed but I was the lucky one because HE STILL LOVED ME.

And the last point I have to make? It isn't respectful for a wife going through a deployment to insult a wife who is having a hard time because she is not currently going through a deployment. It's not right to insult someone else because they "don't have it as rough". How would you feel if you posted "I'm having a bad day with this deployment" and a Gold Star Wife posted "You should just be grateful your husband is still alive. Suck it up". 

Not a comforting thought, is it?

Thank you for reading. I'm sorry it's such an irritating topic. In order to lighten the mood. I'm leaving you with pictures of kitty cats. :)

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Family

I've been a pretty bad blogger lately. I admit it. A million times a day I have something I think "Oh, I need to blog about that" but I am either too busy or too tired to actually sit down and write it. And that's a sad and awful thing. So here I am. I finally have time and energy to blog.

I have been sitting here drafting up our kitchen (the one that is going to be built soon) trying to get the cabinets and countertops and appliances just right. And on my breaks, and yes there are a lot of them, I Facebook. Who doesn't? It's like the ultimate time waster. I've been looking at pictures of some of the things we do or have done, and I miss them. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss Hawaii as a whole. Just the people. And the way things were before. They were so permanent whereas now things are so temporary. But soon we will have the house built, and the jobs we need/want, and kiddos on the way, and the "family" back together. :)

Yay. haha. Thanks for enduring the odd blog.

We Heart What? We Heart Wednesday!!

Hop on over to Brie Marie and get linked up!!

What do I <3 this week? I Heart Jobs. Why you ask? Because I don't have one. And I want one. BADLY. Just FYI.

Thanks for sharing your "Heart its" and visiting. And send up a prayer that I find a job. :)

MilSpouse Roundup!!

It's Friday, so it's Roundup time!! Hop on over to The Hussy and join in on the fun!!!!