Sunday, December 21, 2008

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you

I live in a world of shadows. There are very few people in my life that I consider to be bright spots. Those people know who they are. I would like to start by saying I love you all very much.

Having said that, I now feel like I will unfortunately shake that because I have something I need to say.

I am at a loss. I feel like no one trusts my judgment. I know that I have messed up. I know I have made bad decisions. But isn't it my life? Can't I make my own decisions without constantly being reminded of my hindrances? I am not perfect, of that I am aware. I had to seek help. I am aware of that also. I lost some of myself, but I truly feel clear headed again.

I can already hear the skepticism in your heads and hearts. And it casts a shadow on my life. That skepticism keeps me from taking the risks I truly desire to take. Uncertainty breaks me. I cannot be uncertain about every decision I make for the rest of my life. I cannot allow myself to believe I have lost judgment.

I need you all to know that I have seen sunlight for the first time in a long time. Do not doubt me. Trust me. Do not stop me when I make decisions. Support me and it will go further. It will show me how much you love me. I need you to love and support me or I have nothing in this world.

That's not accurate. I will always have the decisions I make and the outcomes of those decisions. That, is something, someone that I will always have regardless or judgments or doubts.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Perfect Light

How do I feel?

That is a loaded question. I am happy with my life. Truly I am. But still, sometimes I get depressed.

I hate being depressed. There seems to be no way out. Imagine being locked inside a dark room and the only source of light you have disappears. Then you are left in utter and complete darkness.

This is how I feel sometimes. And its stupid really. I can be having a great day and one little event can turn that completely upside down.


My self-esteem is just that low. I hinge my happiness on other people to such a degree that I let it ruin my day. Little comments, snide remarks, complete indifference. These things stick with me and hurt me. You don't realize that they hurt me. Or you realize they do but you feel that I am being too sensitive. I am sensitive. It is who I am. I am sorry for that. I am not sorry for that. It is who I am.

I am sorry for those times when I am not good enough. I am sorry for those times when I cannot be exactly what you need. I am sorry for not being able to figure it out. I really am trying to figure it out. For you. For me.

This quote has been on my Facebook profile for awhile, but it has such meaning to me that I hope it helps you understand me.

“Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night” -Sarah Williams

Friday, December 5, 2008

Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever.

I'll give you 2 guesses as to which book series that line originates from. :)

I sit here at work doing nothing. Bored. In pain. And did I mention bored?

Today at the "doctor" we discussed my forevers. What is forever to me? What is worthy of forever to me? Who is worthy of forever with me?

Shannon thinks I overthink things. She's right, I know. I need to be more willing to roll with life rather than waste time planning every second out.

I made a decision.

I am going to begin to live for today. Live for today, casually plan for tomorrow, and no miss out on things or say no to things I want because I'm scared. Because I'm thinking.

Is it enough? Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever. You are enough for forever. My nearests and dearests. You are enough.


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