Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
She dealt with things like my dad stabbing out his eye when he was 5, the boys feeding my aunt dog food, fights, marriages, divorces, remarriages, grandkids, and even great-grandkids. She and my Pappaw. It was always the two of them. I won't gloss over my Pappaw. He had problems. Things I take issue with, but he is gone and I am not here to speak ill of the dead. I guess he thought he did his best. I just choose to disagree. But if there is one thing he definitely did right, it is love my Mammaw.
And if there is one thing never in question about my Mammaw, it's that she loves her family. She would give anything and everything, and has on some occasions, for those that she loves. She is from a different time, of course. She didn't usually speak unless spoken to, she didn't drive, she didn't curse or talk about private things like bras. haha. She used a soft word to turn away wrath, that's for sure.
You're probably thinking right now, wow, she talks as if her Grandmother is dead. No, this isn't the case, she is just different. Why? Alzheimer's. It has stolen that wonderful personality. She is still sweet, loving, and kind, but now she doesn't understand. She can't reason or remember. She gets confused and distraught. And it's pretty painful to watch. Unfortunately, even though my Pappaw was physically declining, he was still very sharp. They complemented each other. But when he passed, she couldn't function. My dad said he thinks the Alzheimer's is maybe a small gift from God because she loved my Pappaw so completely that she would be sick with grief if she could remember and understand that he was gone. She remembers him, but she can't reason the fact that he is dead.
We moved her into an assisted living facility last weekend. It was the hardest thing ever, but it was time. She was either going to burn down her house, get robbed, or just walk out the front door one day. So far she is not happy, but not miserable. In a few weeks, she won't remember not being there. And as sad as that is, it's a small blessing in disguise.
Friday, April 22, 2011
But I digress. That wasn't the purpose of this post. I'm actually trying to blog about something else. Because I'm not going to just exist either, I'm going to live.
My darling husband is still loving his job. Which I'm so thankful for. I miss him everyday, I swear we got to talk more when he was deployed, but that's ok. It just makes our time together so much more precious. I spent some time today think about our deployments. The leaving, the returning, the fear while he was gone, the relief when he was home. And somewhere I realized that this is now my daily struggle. Rather than leaving once for 7 months, he leaves everyday. And everyday I feel that twinge of fear. He comes in late and climbs in bed with me and I feel that relief.
I kiss him goodbye every morning in case that is the last. But I can't dwell on that, I won't dwell on that. I choose not to. Because I'm so darn proud of the person he is, I love the person he CHOOSES to be. And I know that just like in the Marine Corps, he will do everything he can to come home to me, but during the shift he will put me from his mind so that he can be the best he can be.
Amazing how my life has come full circle. I'm learning each day, because me and the hubs? We're boots all over again. :) And we like it this way. Everyday is brand new. Who can complain??
Thursday, April 21, 2011
"Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday"
I learned something new about my friend today. Back in 2010, when he last came to Tennessee, he took his motorcycle, yes THE motorcycle back to Washington with him. Which means he drove/rode/etc. across the country to get back. He saw his mom, his dad, his brother, sister-in-law, niece, and countless friends. Needless to say I was living in Hawaii, but he saw lots of people important to him.
I've never been so grateful as I was for this realization. Because this means that even in his young 24 years, he saw some of the world. Through 3 deployments he saw other countries and met other peoples. Through the other advantages of the Army he made friends he otherwise never would have, and as a result, he got to travel the country in one amazing ride. Something I'd love to do myself.
It helps with the feelings that he was cheated in life. Because in his 24 years he didn't just exist. He lived.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I guess the beginning is the best place. My freshman year of college, I had this boyfriend. He was a tall redhead majoring in Engineering. We had a group of friends that all hung out every day. I won't lie, we were pretty nerdy. Either way, This boy and I started dating. And it was a whirlwind. We spent every minute together. And we fought. Like cats and dogs. But it was so much fun. We had so much fun together.
When finals rolled around, we stayed up all night watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy on DVD and "studying". One night, I was so hungry, and it was like 3 in the morning so everything was closed, but we loaded up in his car and he took us to Kroger. He was going to introduce me to a new snack he told me. And he demanded "Buddig" brand ham. I had never heard of it. I thought he was crazy. So while laughing I asked a worker for this crazy meat. And he said, ''yeah we have that''. lol. So here was the snack. Dill pickle spears, wrapped in cream cheese, wrapped in ham. It was soooo good.
We were always doing things like that. Stupid, random, things. Things that were so much fun.
We broke up for who knows what reason. We were barely 19 and had better things to do I suppose. A little later that year he decided he didn't want to continue college. He was bound for the Army. That's where he's been ever since. Some people are bound for different things, the Army and Tyler were made for each other. Other than the occasional chat, I've not seen or talked to Tyler since he left all those years ago. But one thing I remember about him, partially because we fought about it so much, was his love for his darn motorcycle. He wrecked and rebuilt and rebought. Always on a stupid motorcycle.
Tyler was in a head on collision on Saturday in Washington, where he lived. He was pronounced dead on the scene. Due to his high rate of speed (over 100mph) I believe he went pretty instantly. I guess the best way to go is doing something you love. And he loved those motorcycles.
This is Tyler. He's the one with the taco. haha.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Life can be such a challenge sometimes. Brandon and I are trying to get used to the new situation we are in, new jobs, new schedules, etc. It's not easy to tell you the truth. We barely see each other due to my day shift schedule and his evening or overnight shifts. And when we do we're so exhausted all the time.
But we're happy. B loves his job and I'm so proud of him. We're shopping for a rental while we build a house. We're finally feeling a little settled. But one thing is missing. One thing I ache for.
I know it isn't the right time yet. I know we're too busy and our jobs are too new. I know we haven't got the house built yet and I still haven't picked a car yet. (I know, I know, but I'm picky). But I just feel like this little person is waiting for us. And I don't want to disappoint him or her.
Plus knowing we will struggle for that little one makes me so much more impatient.
It just makes my heart sore sometimes to keep waiting. Because I know we're ready. And waiting for our circumstances to be ready is not fun.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Do you ever just get worn down? Just so overwhelmed that you don't know how to manage? Lately I've been feeling so confused and depressed. Like there is no end in sight for some things.
I imagine that is how quick sand is. You feel like every inch you gain is an accomplishment but in reality every inch you gain is just a fraction of the foot you are sinking.
Ugh. I think I need a vacation. Or a break. Or a maid.
Where can I pick up those things for free?
Friday, March 25, 2011
But I have a really really good reason. I've been WORKING. :) Granted it's only a temporary job, but hey, it's bringing in some much need cash. BIG SMILES!!
In other news, The hubs is OFFICIAL! My handsome man in camo is now a handsome man in blue. (Personally I think it's black, but it's like the Marine Corps Dress Blue jaket, it's the point that counts) Technically he's still a man in camo, too, but that one's taking a backseat.
He has already started his ride alongs, has his duty belt, and will be sworn in next week!! I'm so proud I could BURST! I really do have the greatest husband in the WHOLE WORLD!
(Aren't you enjoying my excitement??)
In other news, Very important news, it's my darling wifey's 24th birthday. Alas, I can't spend it with her which sucks, and her birthday present hasn't even made it to the Post Office yet so it'll be late, but she knows I love her and miss her and will be seeing her SOON!
Happy Birthday Kinnel I hope it is wonderful!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
There I stood. In the longest lunch line known to man at Chick-fil-a. It's finally my turn, and I place my order with the young woman behind the counter.
"That'll be $6.01" she says.
I give her my plastic card and she asks for my id.
Instinctively I give her my military id. It is on top after all.
"Oh, I miss mine." She smiles.
"I lost my military id"
"They can make you another one at the reserve base I think."
"Not since the cheating b@st@rd left me....
Oh, here's your order, have a wonderful day."
"Yeah, you too."
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sometimes I just blank. I sit in front of the screen and go completely empty. And I thought tonight was going to be one if those nights. Til I got on facebook. We're all guilty of it. Secretly getting on crackbook at all hours of the day or night.
I'm an avid follower. You'd never know it because I don't update my status a lot or change my profile picture or upload snapshots. That's because there are two kind of facebookers. Those who change their stuff a lot, we'll call those people strutters because they like to strut their stuff and then there is the other category. The one I fit in. The stalkers. We'repretty self explanatory. We creep the cyber world but never reveal much of or own lives. Why? You ask? Simple.
Because we're boring.
We don't have interesting divorces or baby mamas to read about. We don't have crazy cousins (that are on facebook) or drug addicted siblings to post about. And as great as it is to not have those things, secretly we're a little jealous. Cause you, with your super interesting life will get 25 comments and will be at the top of my newsfeed even if I don't click "most recent". I however wil be halfway down the page without even a "like". And we all know our self-worth is based on facebook popularity.
How's that for irony?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I've been an active "participant" in this
I'm sad to say I had already been thinking about drifting away from the MilSpouse community to a small degree because it is such a petri dish of bad behavior. I think this has been the nail in the coffin for me. No worries, I will still love you all and support you all, I just think I need to branch out a little and find what else is out there. Please go read what The Blogtessa has to say.
The point I want to make is this. You may think you have it worse because your husband deploys, but let me tell you. My husband has deployed multiple times and during those deployments, I've watched other people's marriages fall apart. I watched them complain and I felt sorry for them. I spent my time thinking how much worse they had it than me. My husband might have been deployed but I was the lucky one because HE STILL LOVED ME.
And the last point I have to make? It isn't respectful for a wife going through a deployment to insult a wife who is having a hard time because she is not currently going through a deployment. It's not right to insult someone else because they "don't have it as rough". How would you feel if you posted "I'm having a bad day with this deployment" and a Gold Star Wife posted "You should just be grateful your husband is still alive. Suck it up".
Not a comforting thought, is it?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I have been sitting here drafting up our kitchen (the one that is going to be built soon) trying to get the cabinets and countertops and appliances just right. And on my breaks, and yes there are a lot of them, I Facebook. Who doesn't? It's like the ultimate time waster. I've been looking at pictures of some of the things we do or have done, and I miss them. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss Hawaii as a whole. Just the people. And the way things were before. They were so permanent whereas now things are so temporary. But soon we will have the house built, and the jobs we need/want, and kiddos on the way, and the "family" back together. :)
Yay. haha. Thanks for enduring the odd blog.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Yay! I'm on time! You guessed it, it's Wednesday!! So hop on over to Brie Marie for
What do I heart this week? I heart antiques. I really do. If I can repurpose or preserve something, I totally will. Wouldn't you rather have something old and meaningful? Not to say you can't buy new stuff, too. I just love the mix-up. :)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
These are my boys. All cuddled up next to the space heater we have cause its extra cold in the downstairs apartment. You'd think they like each other. Haha.
Honestly though, other than some minor stalking incidents they get along great. For a dog and cat anyways. But when one is hurting they always cuddle together and take care of each other. And when I'm hurting it sad, they always cuddle and take care of me.
I think its a lesson in friendship we all need to learn...
Friday, February 4, 2011
So its sad that I'm finally realizing what real life is. Real life is people letting you down, real life is things not going your way, real life is messy and unpredictable. And that sucks.
Not to be so depressing tonight but its been on my mind a lot lately. I have some fantastic friends, great family, and a wonderful husband I adore. But sometimes it just doesn't seem enough. And that's me being greedy. I have more than most, I need to be grateful. But darn it sometimes I just get so angry. My friends let me down or hurt my feelings and don't realize it because the only person I complain to is my hubby. And that isn't fair to him or our marriage.
There isn't much purpose to this post other than to ramble cause I'm upset tonight. But for one small moment I'm imagining I'm somewhere else off the radar. Somewhere quiet and peaceful, where I'm lonely by choice not by chance.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Unfortunately, that doesn't leave me much to blog about. haha. I can say that it's pretty funny to drive around with the Hawaii license plates. People stare and stop us to ask questions a lot. The kinda questions like, "How did you drive here from Hawaii?"
Another girlfriend of mine said that she keeps seeing on her facebook wall status updates that read "Wow, just saw Hawaii plates on 321!!!" (321 is the main Highway through town)
I have been applying to jobs, so hopefully I can find something I ACTUALLY want to do. haha. Right now, I'm just unsure as to where I want to head with it.
In other news, our belongings from Arizona got here the other day. That has been a nightmare. To be updated later....
Hop over to
And Link up!!!
What do I heart this week?
I heart Pretty Little Liars. That's right. A TV show. About teenage girls. And I LOVE it. I did some research that will blow your mind. Alison? She's 14 in real life. The others are all between 21 and 25. And get this, Ezra--He's younger than Spencer in real life. He's only 24. And also, Aria is from Memphis, TN. <3 Love <3
Got a Secret can you keep it,
swear this one you'll save,
gotta lock it in your pocket,
taking this one to the grace.
If I show you, Then I know you
won't tell what I said,
Cause two can keep a secret,
If one of them is dead.