Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you

I live in a world of shadows. There are very few people in my life that I consider to be bright spots. Those people know who they are. I would like to start by saying I love you all very much.

Having said that, I now feel like I will unfortunately shake that because I have something I need to say.

I am at a loss. I feel like no one trusts my judgment. I know that I have messed up. I know I have made bad decisions. But isn't it my life? Can't I make my own decisions without constantly being reminded of my hindrances? I am not perfect, of that I am aware. I had to seek help. I am aware of that also. I lost some of myself, but I truly feel clear headed again.

I can already hear the skepticism in your heads and hearts. And it casts a shadow on my life. That skepticism keeps me from taking the risks I truly desire to take. Uncertainty breaks me. I cannot be uncertain about every decision I make for the rest of my life. I cannot allow myself to believe I have lost judgment.

I need you all to know that I have seen sunlight for the first time in a long time. Do not doubt me. Trust me. Do not stop me when I make decisions. Support me and it will go further. It will show me how much you love me. I need you to love and support me or I have nothing in this world.

That's not accurate. I will always have the decisions I make and the outcomes of those decisions. That, is something, someone that I will always have regardless or judgments or doubts.

I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

Perfect Light

How do I feel?

That is a loaded question. I am happy with my life. Truly I am. But still, sometimes I get depressed.

I hate being depressed. There seems to be no way out. Imagine being locked inside a dark room and the only source of light you have disappears. Then you are left in utter and complete darkness.

This is how I feel sometimes. And its stupid really. I can be having a great day and one little event can turn that completely upside down.

Reasoning?

My self-esteem is just that low. I hinge my happiness on other people to such a degree that I let it ruin my day. Little comments, snide remarks, complete indifference. These things stick with me and hurt me. You don't realize that they hurt me. Or you realize they do but you feel that I am being too sensitive. I am sensitive. It is who I am. I am sorry for that. I am not sorry for that. It is who I am.

I am sorry for those times when I am not good enough. I am sorry for those times when I cannot be exactly what you need. I am sorry for not being able to figure it out. I really am trying to figure it out. For you. For me.

This quote has been on my Facebook profile for awhile, but it has such meaning to me that I hope it helps you understand me.

“Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night” -Sarah Williams

Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever.

I'll give you 2 guesses as to which book series that line originates from. :)

I sit here at work doing nothing. Bored. In pain. And did I mention bored?

Today at the "doctor" we discussed my forevers. What is forever to me? What is worthy of forever to me? Who is worthy of forever with me?

Shannon thinks I overthink things. She's right, I know. I need to be more willing to roll with life rather than waste time planning every second out.

I made a decision.

I am going to begin to live for today. Live for today, casually plan for tomorrow, and no miss out on things or say no to things I want because I'm scared. Because I'm thinking.

Is it enough? Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever. You are enough for forever. My nearests and dearests. You are enough.

All Good Things

"And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this.."

18 Days. That is the song. Really it's 34 days though. Same difference however. I am standing up and saying though, good things don't always have to come to an end.

K says I'm beautiful. I finally believe she's right. B calls me sweetheart. I finally believe he's truthful. S calls me loser. I know he's right and truthful. :)

I have come to realize I really like who I am. I have messed up moments. Some weird attributes, but it makes me who I am, and I like who I am.

K, B, and S. These are peoples I love. I hope you all know it.

Serious

Serious. It's a small word. 7 letters. Like Heather. 7 small letters. But both words, when said by you, are big words. Big letters forming big words.

You said serious. You said Heather. You said, Heather, when we're serious. And my little heart became a big heart again.

A big heart....headed to a big island.....in a big ocean. I keep finding myself smiling and it's funny really. I thought I'd spend my days crying, or sleeping, or eating, but smiling? Not so much. And yet, that's what I do. I smile.

You make me smile, with 7 small letters of one small word. Or two words, depending on how you look at it.

The Worst 45 days before the Best 11 days

So that's what this is. The longest 45 days to endure before I get to spend the best 11 days imaginable. 11 days.

Tickets. They will be purchased tonight. Or maybe tomorrow morning if the payment hasn't gone through yet. Tickets. :)

My wife and I are excited. Our journey will soon begin. Our journey in 45 days for 11 days. :) It seems kind of lopsided doesn't it? But more than worth it I promise you.

Today is the beginning of something new. Something fabulous. Something I can't wait for. Today I begin my countdown. Almost one down. 3 hours away from 44 days. and 44 days away from leaving. And then 11 wonderful days.

I'm sorry to be so annoying and cheesy. But this is a big step for me. And I can't wait to take it.

Flashing Bright Spots

Click. Click. Click. Click. The cursor on the screen continues to click at me. I look for something to say because that's what these things are for, to write down things to say. I have nothing.

My life has been a series of ups and downs lately. Mostly downs. Lots of downs. And when it gets down, and I think it can go nowhere further, the bottom falls out of my down and I crash AGAIN.

I have had a bright spot today. Hopefully, I'll have the same bright spot tomorrow. The more bright spots I have, the less dark my life is. Lame I know.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Back to the cursor flashing on my screen. I suppose the flashing means this is where I should end this blog.

Happy Halloween, kinda

So this is my Halloween. Sitting at work doing nothing. lol. The hotel is a ghost town. Pardon the pun. :)

It's really to bad that we can't have some form of automated machine that could give out keys to the few arrivals that are coming. But then, my job would be obsolete and I'd be homeless, so maybe it's not so bad. Also, the guests that are here are my favorite types. They are fun and entertaining and love to sit and chat with you about their wooden flutes. :) Guess you'd have to be here.

Gregg also isn't bad to work with. He and I sit in front of the fire and drink hot tea 'cause it's cold in here. I like the fire. It's warm and toasty and the tiles in front of the fireplace keep your butt warm :)

So Tomorrow is M-Day. I would call it D-Day to be cute, but it's M-Day for moving. :) I wish I could just fast forward past it and us already be there. That'd be great. But either way, it'll be nice.

Well, that is my life in a nut shell. I'm going to finish here because no one should have to read mindless crap just because I'm bored and writing it. :)

Concert

So, last night Kindle and I went to the Rascal Flatts concert. It was amazing. They always are. Taylor Swift opened and while her singing is beautiful, her acting and mannerisms leave something to be desired. K and I continually had to remind ourselves that she is just an 18 year old girl who does not know how to perform yet. But Rascal Flatts... they can put on a show! We had excellent seats right next to the stage on the floor. Fabulous.

All in all, it was a show I was so glad I didn't miss. I almost did, but at the LAST minute decided to go.

Today we took some stuff up to the condo to begin moving in. YAY! It seems like it is going to be so much fun. I hope everything works out well. :)

All in all, this weekend is going well so far. Now it's off to finance studying. Lots of finance studying. Boo.

Beginnings

So this is the first time I have ever tried to keep up a blog. I am going to actually try and do this and be active with it.. Hopefully this will help keep up with my friends' lives without the use of Stalkbook.

As for what's new in my life? Not much of anything. Still going to school, going to work, and coming home. Soon we'll be in the new house :). I am excited. And secretly nervous. Gracie is my main concern, I hope everyone likes him. I hope he likes it. I hope everything works out well :) I'm sure it will, but just thinking.

Not mush else new in life, just trying to save money which isn't easy when you make hourly wages and can't work a lot of hours. lol. Well, I'll try to keep up with this because I think it'll be fun and good for me.

Lots of Love,
Heather Lynn